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Article

Monty Python Meets Darl McBride

Monty Python Meets Darl McBride

SCO's Verbal Argument

(a judge takes his seat)

Judge: Good Morning.

SCO Lawyer: Good Morning, your honor!

Judge: Ah, thank you.

SCO Lawyer: What can I do for you, sir?

Judge: Well, I called this hearing to hear your reasons why you are suing IBM. More specifically, to hear what kind of evidence you have against IBM.

SCO Lawyer: Ah, evidence!

Judge: In a nutshell, yes. So I thought to myself "a bit of verbal argument from SCO might do this case good and shed some light on what this is all about."

SCO Lawyer: Come again?

Judge: I want to know about the code.

SCO Lawyer: Oh, I thought you were complaining about Mr. McBride's open letters!

Judge: Oh, heaven forbid - I find those laced with humorous snippets of verbose prose!

SCO Lawyer: Sorry?

Judge: The letters are funny.

SCO Lawyer: So he can go on typing then, can he?

Judge: Most certainly! Now then, some evidence please, my good man.

SCO Lawyer: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Judge: Well, eh, how about some SMP code violations?

SCO Lawyer: I'm afraid we couldn't actually find any, sir.

Judge: Oh, never mind, how about JFS?

SCO Lawyer: I'm afraid we won't have that till after discovery from IBM.

Judge: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout lawyer, let's see what you have about NUMA.

SCO Lawyer: Ah! It's still waiting on someone to put it on a cd, we were expecting it this morning.

Judge: It's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, RCU then?

SCO Lawyer: Sorry, sir.

Judge: Memory Allocation?

SCO Lawyer: Normally, sir, yes. Today the courier's van broke down.

Judge: Ah. USB?

SCO Lawyer: Sorry.

Judge: LPT ports drivers? Serial ports?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Any evidence about IDE drivers?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: SCSI?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: SATA?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Floating point emulation?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Video drivers?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Keyboard drivers? Vi, emacs, sendmail, x-windows, man pages, bash shell?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: "Tux Racer", perhaps?

SCO Lawyer: Ah! We have evidence for that, yessir.

Judge: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

SCO Lawyer: Yes sir. The media it's on tho, it's ...ah...it's a bit smudged up...

Judge: Oh, I don't mind a bit of a reading challenge.

SCO Lawyer: Well...It's very smudged, actually, sir.

Judge: No matter. Fetch hither the evidence of IBM's wrong doing!

SCO Lawyer: I ... think it's a bit more smudged than you'd like, sir.

Judge: I don't care how ****ing smudged it is. Hand it over will all speed.

SCO Lawyer: Ooooooooooohhhh...!

Judge: What now?

SCO Lawyer: The paralegal's eaten it.

Judge: Has he?

SCO Lawyer: She, sir.

(Pause)

Judge: Grep?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Gzip?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: You... do have some evidence, don't you?

SCO Lawyer: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a lawsuit, sir. We've got...

Judge: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

SCO Lawyer: Fair enough.

Judge: Uuuuuh, Gimp?

SCO Lawyer: Yes?

Judge: Ah, well, let's see the evidence on Gimp!

SCO Lawyer: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr. Gimp, that's my name.

(Pause)

Judge: KDE?

SCO Lawyer: Uh, not as such.

Judge: Uuh, GNOME?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Ximian?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: OpenOffice?

SCO Lawyer: Not today, sir, no.

(Pause)

Judge: Aah, how about how you found your evidence then?

SCO Lawyer: Well, we weren't expecting to have to answer that.

Judge: Weren't expecting?... It's one of the single most important pieces of discovery!

SCO Lawyer: Not according to SCO, sir.

Judge: And just what is the most important piece, "according to SCO"?

SCO Lawyer: Our MIT analysts.

Judge: Is it?

SCO Lawyer: It's our number one piece of evidence, sir!

Judge: All right. Okay. 'Are they here today?' he asked, expecting the answer "no".

SCO Lawyer: I'll have a look, sir ... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Judge: It's not much of a lawsuit, is it?

SCO Lawyer: Finest money can buy!

Judge: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

SCO Lawyer: Well, it's so full of legal jardon, sir!

Judge: It's certainly uncontaminated by the burden of evidence...

SCO Lawyer: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Pine, sir.

Judge: Would it be worth it?

SCO Lawyer: Could be....

Judge: Have you - (to McBride)SHUT THAT DAMN WORD PROCESSOR OFF!

SCO Lawyer: Told you sir....

Judge: (slowly) Have you any evidence that IBM misappropriated SCO UNIX code into the PINE e-mail program?

SCO Lawyer: No.

Judge: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

SCO Lawyer: Yes sir? Judge: (Deliberately) Have you in fact got any evidence against IBM at all?

SCO Lawyer: Yes, sir.

Judge: Really?

(Pause)

SCO Lawyer: No. Not really, sir.

Judge: You haven't.

SCO Lawyer: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Judge: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sentence you to death.

SCO Lawyer: Right-Oh, sir.

(The Baliff takes the SCO Lawyer out of the courtroom . A few minutes later, a distant scream can be heard while the lights in the courtroom dim momentarily)

Judge: What a senseless waste of human life.

 

(submitted as a post to Groklaw. Derived as a parody from Monty Python's 'Cheese Shop' sketch)

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Most Recent Comments
Keith 12/14/03 03:58:15 PM EST

.....so this isn't an actual trial transcript as such then...
(in the same vein) What has open source done for us?
well there is the source code.
Yes, yes. Obviously. But apart from the source code?
And a understandable licence.
Apart from the source code and a understandable licence what has open source done for us? etc

Robert G. Brown 12/13/03 09:12:43 PM EST

I think the author of this article will end up defending himself in court against the Monty Pythonites, who will
demand all sorts of damages for infringement on their...

Oh, wait. They have more sense than that! They're COMEDIANS!

Sorry, never mind.

Maus 12/13/03 02:16:14 PM EST

Bravo! Excellent parody. Very true to form and pacing of the original form of the most excellent Cheese Shop sketch.